Lies that Chelsea Handler told me, a review

I recently went away and wanted some light reading for the trip so, I dug into my latest book sale finds and decided on Lies that Chelsea Handler told me. I have always been a fan of Chelsea Lately and anyone who pals around with Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston has to be pretty damn impressive.  What struck me about this novel was that very little of it is actually written by Chelsea Handler.  She adds a brief commentary, about a paragraph, after each chapter.  I have to say, I LOL’d through the entire novel, even the very ridiculous last chapter where her dog speaks about how she’s tortured him as well.

The single most important tidbit I took from the novel, is that Chelsea Handler is insane, and always has been!  The things she does to people would put the Jackass movie crews to shame.  She thrives on humiliating people, and most psychoanalysts would say she does it so that no one can do it to her and she must have low self esteem blah blah blah, but it’s so unapologetic and has been so ingrained into her personality from such a young age that it’s just her.  It seems the more she tortures you, the more she loves you.  I think one of the funniest scenes in the novel was when she had her friend smuggle Excedrin across the Mexican boarder in her vagina, her friend thought it was ecstasy.  As it fell out in front of the guards who examined it, handed it back to her and laughed, Chelsea kept up the joke even after they had arrived safely in Mexicodownload (1).  I know you are thinking I would never speak to her again what a crazy bitch!  However, Chelsea did it because she was actually really worried about her friend and her new found love of ecstasy!  I loved this book!  I still love Chelsea Handler, though I think I would rather not be friends with her, although, she does reward her staff with extravagant vacations often…

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The “soft”cup

I tried the softcup, well I had mixed thoughts at first like, what happens if I’m in a public restroom? Do I walk out with pants around my ankles and blood stained cup in hand to the sink?  Well, fortunately THOSE are diva cups ( I will NOT be trying those, not now, not ever!)  I was happy to see that softcups are individually wrapped and disposable.  I will start by mentioning the misleading name, these are not soft nor do they resemble cups.  There is a hard band around the plastic baggy type area. I decided to give it a shot the first day of my period so I ran down to the pharmacy and grabbed a box of 14 for $9.99 yes, environmentally conscious is expensive. I was shocked at the size of the cup and folded it in half and then a third time as the directions said…well ladies, I’m not sure what kind of vaginas you have to accommodate these things because it hurt!  I could feel all 8 inches for 60 agonizing minutes while I scoured the internet and youtube looking for proof that I had inserted it wrong.  I could find none so after one hour I went to remove it.  I had to stick my finger in pretty far, I felt the plastic ring and tug…nothing…tug again…nothing!  I became panicky and grabbed that sucker and yanked, it did come out with no leakage, but I felt all 8 inches or whatever the circumference of the hard plastic band is.  I was happy to finish up my day destroying the environment and risking toxic shock syndrome with good old plastic and cotton.

Day 2, curiosity and guilt set in…did I insert it wrong?  I should really be more conscious about the environment and my health.  Day 2 my flow is a bit heavier so I was pleased that the cup seemed to slide in a little easier, I still had some discomfort equal to  wearing a tampon larger than needed.  As the minutes ticked buy I forgot I was wearing anything at all!  I went to the bathroom to relieve my bladder and saw that I was having some leakage, a very little bit so I put on a pantyliner and went about my day.  2 hours later I decided to take it out and see how it worked out….I yanked it out just like the previous and day and BAM bloodbath.  The baggy was practically empty, but I was elbow deep in menstrual fluid.  I will not be buying this product again, but I am willing to try it during one more cycle. I seriously cannot imagine the diva cup in the little pouch being used over and over, though the design looks more comfortable the hygiene seems lacking.81rzGtqSF2L._SX522_   Stay tuned…

 

 

The Bedwetter…stories of courage, redemption and pee by Sarah Silverman

Wow, this novel was painful to get through.  It started out promising enough, but it just got so bad.  Her constant self-deprecating followed by these self-obsessed rants of her own talent were just too much to trudge through.  She felt she should receive some award for writing it and I felt I should receive an award for reading it.  Her parents sound like your typical loving slightly lost sort that was popular in the 70s and 80s so, I’m not sure she can blame that.  She seems to have glossed over the fact that she suffered for MANY years with clinical depression and anxiety and the effects of being over-medicated at such a young age. She did speak a lot on her bedwetting that lasted well into her teenage years. That would have probably been her story right there, perhaps she hasn’t dealt with that part of her life yet, who knows. I finished the novel feeling very bored and annoyed, but also sorry for her.  I knew soon after the novel was completed her career was pretty much over.  Maybe it was because I had just read the Tina Fey autobiography and I expected more.  I just felt someone like Silverman who wasn’t privileged should go with how she did struggle with mental illness and poverty in the ways that Tina Fey did not.  I think she  may have even been able to extend her career if she took that angle.  My recommendation, skip it.51sEbRNt0LL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_

Bossypants…Tina Fey

I recently finished the autobiography Bossypants by Tina Fey.  I am a long time fan of hers from SNL to mean girls to baby mama, her good, her bad, her terrible…I love her.  30 Rock is pretty much comedic genius, and I relate to her character so much.  The first scene in the series preview where she buys all of the hotdogs at the hotdog cart because she doesn’t want the guy who cut the line to have one…so me. Anyway, I found her autobiography entertaining and honest.  Any questions I may ever have had about Tina Fey were answered in the novel, I wasn’t left saying, “yes, but what about that story where blah blah blah.” She covered it all.  You didn’t get the whole backstory of the starving comedian doing drugs and working dive bars to stay alive crap that you got in the Sarah Silverman autobiography which I’ll be reviewing next.  Tina Fey wasn’t poor, she was well-educated, had loving parents and was determined to do well.  Sure, she had a job here or there that sucked, who hasn’t?  If you are a Tina Fey fan, read the book.  If you’re a starving comedian…skip the book it won’t give you any pointers and you won’t feel so great after reading it.download

Bye Bye Foundation and OH WOW brush!

It is no surprise that I love IT Cosmetics and they have created yet another masterpiece!  Bye Bye Foundation is the best thing to ever happen to my brown spots and tired eyes, it goes on so smoothly stays all day and has full coverage.  I do not use anything over it, except a tiny bit of bronzer and blush.  I use the medium color and it is amazing. I love to put foundation on with my fingers, but I figured I would try the OH WOW brush and it is the next best thing to your fingers.  Using a circular motion it is smooth and you cannot even tell you’re wearing foundation and THIS foundation is good stuff so you know that brush is magic! It has a handle so you get absolutely nothing on your hands and it’s supereasy to clean.  I just rinsed it with water and left it on my counter on a paper towel until ti completely dried and it then it was like new! I cannot say enough about how much I love the Oh Wow brush and the Bye Bye Foundation.  I will be trying the CC foundation by IT Cosmetics soon so stay tuned….

Say what?

I never thought words like boob sweat, back fat, hemorrhoids, GERD, bowel obstruction or urinary incontinence would become part of my vernacular.  Well, since about 6 weeks pregnant these words have been uttered from my lips far too often.  Ten months out, a few have become less often, but are not entirely gone, and frankly, that pisses me the hell off!  Let’s take boob sweat, before I got pregnant I barely had to wear deoderant, if I forgot it that day it was like oh well.  Now, I have to carry it around with me and reapply it throughout the day!  If that wasn’t bad enough at the end of the day it’s not my pits that stink, it’s my boobs!  Sure they are a 38 DD and I do breastfeed about twice a day now, but I was not prepared to be someone who sweats…in the boobs!  Not a place you want anyone sticking their nose!  Sometimes I wonder if my baby finds comfort in my milk or my stink.  Yuck enough of that, let’s move on to back fat….what the heck!?  I gained weight in places I didn’t even know it was possible.  Hemorrhoids, well what is there to say, I did and still am suffering there. GERD, yup just had an endoscopy two days ago, stay tuned for that sweet dream of a condition.  Bowel obstruction, currently non-existent, though you’d never know it since I cannot poop without a laxative!  Urinary incontinence well now it’s only if I laught REALLY hard.  Another fun fact, my period is longer and heavier, it’s like I’m 13 all over again.  I had just gotten to a place where it was 5 days and only heavy 1 1/2 out of 5 days, nope now it’s heavy about 3 1/2 out of 8.  Well, this fabulous Mama is going to try to think of places to have a 1st birthday party, because I’m pretty sure I will not be able to handle doing it at my house.  If you have any ideas please share…

If I had to cook or starve…I’d starve

I should probably have named my blog Mama who cannot cook!  It’s pretty comical actually because I’ve vowed to only feed my 9 month old daughter organic, and only homemade meats…I have yet to do this.  I decided to try a test run of this crazy contraption I received 3 years ago for my wedding shower called a crockpot…doesn’t have a very reassuring name, does it?  So, I called up my sister Martha Stewart…that’s not actually her name, but it may as well be.  She said “just try beef stew, it doesn’t get easier than that.” I went and bought all the ingredients my husband scoffing that it would all be wasted, not his first rodeo with one of my crazy ideas like “hey, I’m going to cook dinner.” Is it sad that that’s a crazy thought for me to have hahaha.  Anyway, my 9 month old was having a very mommy needy day, meaning she needed to be stradling me and staring into my face every second of the day, so, aside from her screaming, preparation went smoothly and 12 hours and 20 minutes later I had my beef stew! I do think I may have overcooked it as most of the liquid had evaporated, but it was edible! Here ya go fabulous mamas who can’t cook!

Ingredients

  • 2 pounds beef stew meat, cut into 1 inch cubes

  • 1/4 cup all-purpose flour

  • 1/2 teaspoon salt

  • 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

  • 1 clove garlic, minced

  • 1 bay leaf

  • 1 teaspoon paprika

  • 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

  • 1 onion, chopped

  • 1 1/2 cups beef broth

  • 3 potatoes, diced

  • 4 carrots, sliced

  • 1 stalk celery, chopped

    • 20 mins
    • COOK

      12 hrs

    • READY IN

      12 hrs 20 mins

    Directions

    1. Place meat in slow cooker. In a small bowl mix together the flour, salt, and pepper; pour over meat, and stir to coat meat with flour mixture. Stir in the garlic, bay leaf, paprika, Worcestershire sauce, onion, beef broth, potatoes, carrots, and celery.
    2. Cover, and cook on Low setting for 10 to 12 hours, or on High setting for 4 to 6 hours.

Yonique Moodstruck 3D fiber lashes

I’ve been using Yonique Moodstruck 3D fiber lashes for about two months.  I got them from a trusted representative of the company for the retail amount, $29.  I did not have high hopes for this mascara and it has been true to my expectations.  At times my lashes may appear longer and fuller, but the results are inconsistent.  Application is laborious, the directions state to use your own mascara then apply the gel then the fibers (which are actually fibers on a stick) and yes, they do fall off and end up on your cheeks and clothing, then apply the gel again!  Who has time for that?!  I would personally rather just apply a quick fake lash then do this, especially, when I end up with unpredictable results.  So far, my favorite mascara is and probably always will be, Le Volume De Chanel, for the extra $3 I will stick with what I know works.  But, I will be reviewing others from Ulta, because this fabulous mama is always looking for a bargain!

IT Cosmetics Celebration Foundation

I have been using It cosmetics foundation since December, and I am very impressed! I prefer cream foundations so I was a little skeptical about a powder, especially a seemingly one size fits all.  Well, it really does provide full-coverage! It will hide any discoloration or blemish on your face, its creator uses it to hide rosacea.  My recommendations are: Do not use this on top of a full-coverage cream foundation such as with IT Cosmetics CC foundation, covergirl outlast, and certainly not with a matte mousse.  If you must wear it on top of a cream foundation I would suggest something light, personally, I use tarte amazonian clay foundation.  You will not need to use both on most days.  I have also used the foundation with just the IT cosmetics under eye concealer, and though the concealer is a little shinier than I prefer, it does go together well. If you have some discoloration on your face I would recommend the IT Cosmetics Celebration Foundation for $38, it seems like a hefty pricetag for powder, but it’s so much more than that and one compact lasted me 8 months with daily use! You may purchase these on the IT cosmetics website, and I have also seen them sold at Ulta.  This fabulous mama cannot wait to try more IT Cosmetics products!

Freeman charcoal and Black Sugar Polishing Mask

My 36th year is upon me and after getting an airbrush tan and heading off to the beach, I returned to find some spots on my face. Convinced they were sunless tanning residue I scrubbed and exfoliated, alas, it turns out I have acquired sunspots….When did I get so old?! I should add that I also gave birth to my first child 9 months ago, which of course is the best thing to happen to me, but has caused some serious self esteem issues.  I ended up gaining 80lbs and now SUNSPOTS?! Deciding to forgo the laser, I thought perhaps it’s time to take care of my skin.  Last night I tried Freeman’s charcoal and black sugar polishing mask that I picked up in Ulta for around $5. It feels and looks just like charcoal,however, it smells slightly sweet and unoffensive.  As soon as I washed it off my face 7 minutes later my skin felt really smooth.  In the shower this morning it was notably softer and brighter, and this is after ONE DAY!  This is a hidden gem, that is affordable and helps this fabulous mama’s skin feel soft even after exposing it to sweat, drool, and make up all day.